I strive to start each day with my Bible reading and prayer. When I do not, my day seems to be so unsettled and haphazard. When I do, I see clearly His guidance throughout. I smile at the little things He does for me. Sometimes what He does is so minuscule that most would laugh, but I know it is Him. I simply shake my head in amazement and thank Him. Yesterday was one of those days. His hand was upon me in very small ways, but they were powerful ways to me. Whenever His presence is so obvious, it is overwhelming.
As I am reading His word this morning, I have to ponder my faith. How big is it? Is it enough? Do I really have the faith I claim to have? Do my actions display my faith? What do I lose daily because of my lack of faith? What do I go without in life because my faith is not as powerful as I claim it to be? Our levels of faith are not contingent upon our relationship with Christ. Faith is based on the amount of belief you have. Do you truly believe you can have and do all that Christ says? Think about it. God says you can move mountains with your faith ... God says your faith can make you whole ... God says your level of faith in Him and His Word can do things that would literally blow the minds of others! Do you have that kind of faith?
I wrote the above, or started to write the above, in September of last year. Obviously I got disrupted and never finished it. This was shortly after my husband and I separated. Today, almost five months later, not much has changed. I did sleep well last night but it was the first in many nights. For some reason, I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past week or so. You look at me wrong and I cry. You ask me how I am and I cry. You say just about anything to me and I cry.
I ask myself why all the emotions. As for my circumstances, not much has changed. I am still struggling to adjust to life one day at a time. I am still trying to acclimate myself to living with just my son and I. I am still trying to figure out where God wants me in all of this mess I call life. I am still seeking full time employment. I am still telling myself this is the year my book will be published. I am still growing, or trying to grow, in my Mary Kay business. So as you can see, not much has changed. Why all these emotions?
I asked myself this same question again this morning, and I am not so sure I liked the answer. You see, since my husband and I separated in September things have not quite gone the way they were suppose to. We were going to work on our marriage, or so I was told, and our separation would only be temporary. Of course, temporary could be longer than we would like but I was willing to work on us for however long it took. Since our separation things have changed and I have no control over them. I have had to deal and move on. After 37 years of waiting on a dream, it only took my husband four months to move on ... or so I am told. I think all these emotions are because my husband is now supposedly dating and has disconnected from me completely. No warning! A few weeks ago I was doing pictures for him and now nothing. A month or so ago he was telling me he loved me. Heck, two weeks ago he said he missed me. Now no communications at all. I said this was fine because legally he has every right to move on, but morally he told me it was wrong. I guess it was wrong until feelings took over morals. I told myself I was not mad. I told myself life goes on. I told myself all sorts of things. Heck, I even sent him an email on New Years wishing him and his purported girlfriend a Happy New Year's. I was good!!!
Obviously, I am not good! I am fighting emotions I have not felt in many years. I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I am crying. I am battling my mind which is bombarding me with so much trash. How do you cut it off? How do you simply disconnect? I thought I wanted to disconnect but I truly do not. I want to walk through each day, deal with it all, and allow God to do a work in me. It is hard. It is difficult. It is sickening but it is ... 10 years of marriage gotten over in four months. I wish I had his strength!!! Despite it all, please know he is a good man. He is legally entitled to do whatever he wants. It is wrong to me as a Christian, but it is not wrong. I truly do wish him the best!
I need your prayers for strength. I need your prayers for boldness. I need to turn all of this mess into something positive. This is my goal for today. Even though I may cry. Even though I may feel ill. Even though I may have to scream and holler here and there. Even though I may get sick to my stomach, I will press on. I will be an overcomer. I will come out of this better than before. I know I will because I know God has my back. I do not know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future!!!! God bless you all!