Like this morning for instance. I had this blog just about complete when my computer went south on me and deleted the whole entry. That is ok, though. I will just start again because obviously something I was sharing was needing to be heard from someone or the enemy would not be attacking me as he is. Answer to problem ... press on! I intend to do just that, but first let me pause to save what I have typed thus far ... lol! Seriously, I do not want to start again.
As I was sharing, it has been awhile since I have made any attempt at writing. If any of you know anything about writing it is that you have to be led to do it. You cannot just sit down and type. There has to be an inspiration ... of course, mine is Christ! There has to be a subject matter on your heart. You have to be inspired by something or someone. I cannot say I am really inspired this morning as much as I am led. I was not even sure what I was going to share until I started to type. God is funny like that. He will lead me to the computer, and it is as if He physically puts my hands on the keyboard. I have no inkling what I am going to chat about or write about and then BAM ... I have typed a blog or an article. I am like, "WOW"! Where did that come from, but of course I know the answer to that question?
I have been in sort of a fog lately ... downtrodden mixed with a bit of depression, sadness, disillusionment, disappointment, confusion, concern, worry ... and on and on and on! You know the recipe and it does not spell out for a good day. Of course not many have known about this as I still smile and press on. Some may say that is a bit hypocritical, but it is not. We are always to put our best foot forward to glorify God. He is what has gotten me through. I would not lie if someone sensed something was wrong, and I have chatted with some about it. But, if you know me at all, I am a bit of a loner. I do not open up easily. I am much better at it than I used to be, but it is who I am. I can write about it, but it is still very difficult for me to talk about it. I get too emotional and I abhor that in me. I always saw crying as a sign of weakness, and now God has softened my heart so much that I feel I cry at everything. My son says I am one big cry baby! I would rather be blessing someone else than to be receiving a blessing. Believe me when I say that is a big switch for me. Before coming to Christ, my life was all about me. How sad that was!?
Over the course of a few weeks I have just been sinking. I wish I could know exactly where it started to turn for me, but isn't that what we all wish? If we could sense when it first started going downhill ... the initial onset of the attack ... then we could quickly put a halt to it. But, no my friends, the enemy is sly. He knows what he is doing and he is forever clever in how he executes his attack ... slowly, decisively, and wisely. I do not know where or how it started, but all that matters is it did. This morning I am sensing I am finally coming out of it.
I think it was a combination of things ... sadness over events out of my control ... disillusionment with people who I thought cared ... realization about things ... struggles with certain areas of my life ... concern for loved ones ... disappointment at not achieving my heart's desires ... and on and on. But, I can say wholeheartedly God is so awesome. He has been there through it all. My love for Him daily is my strength. I can share that through all of this funk there has not been a day I did not listen to Christian music in my vehicle. I may not have always heard it, but it allowed His spirit to reside in my car. There was not a day I did not talk to God in my head ... sure it was not the communication He would have preferred but He knew my heart. Praying with the kids ... I have 3 each morning ... before school has lifted me immensely. It is something I started doing last year, and I will continue to do it. My faith is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other and pressing on. Isn't that what Paul in the Bible encourages us to do ... learn to be content in all circumstances.
Ok, I just got interrupted by my husband so I had to leave the typewriter for a bit. We have about ten fruit trees. He was calling me to come look out the window. There were 3 deer eating from the trees and they were so beautiful to watch. Of course, they are killing our harvest this year, but what awesomeness! God's creation at its best. They are so gorgeous. I could sit and watch them all day.
Back to what I was saying ... God has enabled me to press on no matter what I was feeling inside. It has just been a rough patch but I am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel ... a glimmer anyways! A sparkle of hope and encouragement. I have too much to be blessed about to allow this to tarry for so long.
My sister, the one who was diagnosed with breast cancer, is doing much better. Her loss from work, her husband's loss from work, and other barriers have put a huge strain on them financially. She is a self-employed contract worker so if she does not work, she does not get paid. I set up a GoFundMe account to try to help her out, but it has not done well. I think this added greatly to my sadness and disillusionment. I know we can only do what we can do, but when you see someone who has always put the needs of others before her own suffer in this way, it is hard to watch. I have been confused over the lack of donations, but ultimately God is our provider and in Him we place our trust. I am getting ready to start a raffle to assist in the fundraising efforts. Knowing she has another surgery in the future, and maybe more, financially it is a big challenge. I will continue to try to assist in ways I feel led by God to do, and I will leave the rest to Him. I will keep you posted.
I have dealt with disillusionment lately with people in my life. People I truly thought cared about me have been absent or have shown sides to them which has been difficult for me to digest. I try to tell myself that phases of life are like seasons ... they come and go. It hurts nevertheless. We all have full plates and I truly try to justify their actions, but it is so hard when you know certain things. I just have to pray my way through it because if you do not, then it eats at you daily. You so try your best to be the best you can be for others, and then it appears as if they are so unappreciative or simply do not care. I realize we cannot always allow our thoughts to think as this, but hey, I know you know what I am saying. But, and this is what God says to me constantly, you don't know what you don't know! Hard pill to swallow but so much truth in the words. Ponder on that the next time you are wondering why people have failed you in life or why things have not turned out as you had hoped.
It has just been a combination of a lot of things that led me down a short period of struggling with my emotions. What matters now is I am on my way back up, and I want to keep that momentum. I know where I have fallen short, and it is in those areas I need to focus.
To give you an example of how bad it has been, I have not even been doing my 7.2 program. You have something you know is awesome ... it has proven to work ... you have lost weight ... you are living the most pain-free days you have lived in years ... and you simply stop doing it. Why? If you figure that out, then please let me know. We know we have something which is nothing but good for us ... we know it works, yet we cease doing it. Why? Energy! That is right! When we are sinking low in our emotions and feelings, it zaps our energy level. It takes all we have to just function in the day-to-day tasks. You know it will help you back up, but you simply 'choose' not to do it. Go figure! We are some finicky creatures!!!!
The other thing I think was the icing on the cake for me was this school year. I did not realize how emotional it would be for me to admit my son was a senior in high school. We are embarking on closing chapters in our lives we will not get back, and this saddens me GREATLY!!! The trip to Liberty University, the school shopping, the first day of school ... well, it finally got the best of me and I just sat down and had a good cry. As excited as I am for him to embark on life because I am so very proud of the young many he is becoming, it saddens me to see him go. With my daughter living 3 hours away with my youngest grandson, my older grandsons busy with life, and now my son getting ready to spread his wings, it has hurt this momma's heart. Ok, I have to stop here because if not then the tears will commence and I will not do anything today but what I should not be doing.
I love you guys! Pray for me and know I am always here if you need me.