I am in Chapter Four of our study book which is entitled, “Anger”. In my reading, it shared that a person who regrets certain decisions in their life may become angry at God. I have known this for years through studying God’s word and listening to preaching. As I continued, it was as if a light bulb went off. I ceased what I was doing and had a conversation with God. At the end of our very brief talk, I felt compelled to share my thoughts with you.
I did not give my heart to Christ until I was 42 years of age. Prior to this time, I lived a life which was not the worse in the world, but it was bad enough. After coming to God and realizing His hand of protection had been upon me even before I came to Him, it made me wonder why He protected me all those years when I did not deserve it. One day as I was praying about this very thing, He brought to my mind an incident which I had no recollection of at all. Through this vision of sorts, it all came together.
As a young girl ... maybe 9, 10, or 11 ... I was attending Calvary Baptist Church in Baltimore, MD. My family were not members and I am not even sure how much I attended. It could have been just for a summer or a very short period of time. I simply do not know. I do remember they had a white school bus which came around and picked children up on Sundays and for special events during the summer. During my attendance, however brief, at this church, God showed me as being a participant in one of their summer camp programs. During those days, they still had tent revivals. I saw myself as a young girl walking up the aisle of this huge tent and giving my heart to Christ. There was another young girl with me. Someone I can only assume was a friend. When God shared this with me, I cried. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I had given my heart to Christ at such a young age and did not have any recollection of it at all. When I grasped the reality of this, it became very real to me. I began to have bits and pieces of memory replayed in my mind of this time. I have not forgotten it since. I am sure this is why He protected me all those years I traveled wrong paths ... He had a plan for me and He knew the end from the beginning. Praise God!
Back to what I wanted to share about anger! Somewhere between being that young girl and then rededicating my life at the age of 42, I became very angry at God. I have no memory of this anger, but it has been shared with me by many. I even had someone tell me that the mention of God in my home was forbidden. Just typing this now gives me such a foreboding of fear and shame. I am so thankful ... I am so so thankful for His forgiveness!!!! I cannot say that enough!
I have no reason to doubt any of the individuals who shared with me of my anger at God and my reluctance to even discuss Him. However, while doing this study this morning I had to wonder if my anger was not the direct result of a certain incident which occurred in my life. Did I become angry at God because of this situation and I was not even aware of it? I have heard it often said of anger and bitterness that they are like blisters which fester in the very depth of your soul. Like a cancer, they spread and are very destructive. At times we are so angry on the inside but we have no concept of it on the outside. We have pushed it down so far within us that we have forgotten about it. Forgetting it does not alleviate its dangers. Anger quietly navigates our lives without us even being aware of it.
Obviously I did not always feel angry towards God because as a young child I came to Him. I must have known a little bit about Him. I must have desired to have Him in my life for some reason. What happened between that time of desiring Christ and the time of realizing I was so angry at Him? It had to be what I had endured as a young teenager. Now I am beginning to understand where that anger originated. I am just thankful my life is anger free today. He alleviated me of my anger before I even had an understanding of it. What an awesome God we serve!
There is good anger and there is bad anger. In the book of Luke, Jesus acted out of both compassion and anger. In Genesis we read where Jacob’s sons were so controlled by anger that their father cursed them for it. As stated in What does the Bible say About ..., “Anger is like fire. When handled appropriately, it can bring about great good. But out of control it can destroy people’s lives. ” It goes on to say, “In the New Testament, Jesus became angry when the religious leaders tried to prevent Him from helping a disabled person because of their religious traditions. Later, Paul cited Ps. 4:4 in exhorting us to ‘be angry and do not sin’ And Hebrews says that the Holy Spirit was angry at the deadening effects of sin on the Hebrew patriarchs.” Wow, even the Holy Spirit gets angry.
To know that I harbored anger for so long against God is very difficult for me to wrap my head around today. God is my everything and He did not deserve my anger. Neither does He deserve yours. I should have been angry at the situation ... at poor choices which I made ... at end results. God, I am sure, would have gladly led me in a different direction had I bothered to seek His will for my life. I did it my way and not His way. Then when ‘my way’ failed I blamed Him.
Isn’t this what we do? We make poor choices in life ... we make decisions based on what is good for us ... we put ourselves at the center of our universe never consulting with Him to find out what is His will, which is always better than our will. How can life not go wrong with us in control? It goes awray and we blame Him. What did He do but love us? What can anyone do if we are determined to do it our way?
I so pray you do not have unresolved anger as I did. It is self-destructive for your life and for all those around you. It is not just about you. Nothing we ever do is about just us. I am praying for you today. Please continue to pray for me.